Welcome to reality

I sat in a court room surrounded with familiar strangers. I clenched my fists together in an effort to keep my panic from taking over. I listened to everyone talk as my heart raced, hands shook and my palms were full of sweat. I could feel it...here comes goodbye. In an instant it was done. 7 months of the life we have grown to know....changed. Changed forever. I watched my husband cry, shake and get up to walk around. I wanted to run! Run so far away from this or at least just hit the pause button so I could take it all in.

I watched two deputies stand up and keep an eye on my husband as if they feared he was about to do something. I watched him fight the hardest I ever to keep his composure and then stand up to speak his peace. With confusion we were told in the most professional way we were just temporary. Temporary? Nothing about the last 7 months were temporary. They ask foster parents to treat and love these children in all of their broken places but in an instant can tell them they are just temporary with no rights.
Welcome to reality.

I watched my husband turn away from our son because it was to hard for him to look at him, I watched my mother cry and voice her opinion. I talked and listened to the family as much as I could stand to. I want to hate them for taking him away, but I cant. They are amazing people who want us to still be in his life. For that, I am grateful but right now. Its not enough and nothing seems okay. Nothing can make this better. My heart screams YOU COULD HAVE BACKED OUT! YOU COULD HAVE BACKED OUT! YOU HAVE CHILDREN! WE DON'T! YOU GET TO GO HOME TO CHILDREN AND WITH OUR SON! WE GET TO GO HOME TO AN EMPTY HOME AGAIN. WITH EMPTY ARMS! AND AN EMPTY NURSERY. EMPTY. Welcome back to reality.

I kissed him so many times and told him its okay and that we loved him before for one last goodbye. I could feel my heart being ripped away as Jeremy handed him over. I watched our son cry in the arms of a stranger that he will soon grow to know as "Dad". I watched him look for us and the tears stop as soon as he heard Jeremy's voice and saw my moms face. I thought to myself, this is it. I cant do this again. My heart has earned her tiger stripes for the last time. I cant walk this path again. I cant do this again. I cant. We deserve to be on the other side.

That was a quiet ride home, none of us really could muscle up anything to say but cry....and then came the anger. "I don't want to do this again! I need to know that I have our forever child at home that nobody can take away from us. Not a family, not DSS! Only God Himself takes him away."

We couldn't make it home yesterday. Going home to that quietness again, I couldn't stand it. Don't go home yet. Is all I could muscle strength up to say beside anger and this feeling of the need to just scream. Jeremy took me straight to my friend Ashley's house. I didn't make it past her stairs before the tears came. I was wrapped in love again and safe to let it out. She held me, she cried with me, She didn't let me go. She held me tighter as I collapsed to the floor. "Hes gone, hes gone Ashley, my son is gone. Its not fair."
Welcome to reality.

We made it home. We made it to the front door. We made it to the foyer, the hallway and then to the place where we spent most of our time as a family...the living room....and I saw it. Everything that reminded us of him. The bumbo, his swing, his walker, his blanket, toys, shoes....my heart broke as I looked at each one and thought "Its empty again." I wont ever feed him in his bumbo again, she him play with "that" grab for that....the tears came again. Without a bat of the eye Jeremy had started to take all of the stuff and put it away. Out of sight. We just need to survive today because we aren't okay. We cant face it all right now. We just need to survive today.

Then a knock at the door came like cavalry. My best friend Michelle, her husband Victor, our neice Becca and great nephew Ayden with our God kids Lea and Noah. The love came again except this time we could be mad and we had people mad with us. We could be angry, We could shout and scream and nobody told us to calm down. Nobody quoted scripture or told us "God has a plan" we just got to be angry. A place neither of us have been in a while and ya know what? It was nice. It was nice to release it, get it out, scream it out and be a mess. I didn't have to be strong anymore, I didn't have to sit there and hide how I felt or try to be the rock people need. I was able to be like everyone else. A beautiful mess and wrapped in love.

And then the front door opens and its Bubba. He flew home and I could grab my bubba and for a moment things were alright.

I made it upstairs and there it was again. Our son. He was everywhere, I broke again as I grabbed his bassinet from our room, his clothes and threw them into his room with my eyes closed because I cant face his nursery. The door is shut. We just need to survive today. Just today Trina. Joy comes in the morning.

I broke again in the shower, when I was alone. When I could hear the whispers. When there wasn't any outside distractions to keep me out of my head. I collapsed again in the shower and hugged a towel as I screamed. This pain is real. This pain hurts. I don't want to be here God.    My moment was interrupted by Bubba asking if I was okay. All I could bring myself to say was "no." He left and came back with Jeremy. Jeremy sat on the floor as I laid in the shower a mess. A complete mess. I gripped the towel tighter with every cry as Jeremy rubbed my back and said its okay. Its okay to be here. Its okay to hurt. I couldn't help but to apologize. This place made me feel like it was my fault this hurtful painful heartache. If I could just have a baby, we wouldn't have to be here. I was a mess. Jeremy got me out of the shower and into bed where he, Bubba and Shilo held me and for a moment it was okay.

1am I heard him crying....4:30am Jeremy woke up to him crying and he laid there staring at the ceiling. We don't know what to do with ourselves right now
welcome to reality

I woke up today with a headache, turned the corner to the living room and expected to see him and Daddy cuddle on the couch like I always do, I broke again. Made my way to the front porch, to my red chair and I sat with Jesus again. I laid down and just cried. Nothing feels okay, nothing feels right in this place. We aren't okay.....not today.

Welcome to reality.