Lessons from Lea

I survived Monday on my own. I wanted to prove to myself that I could be in this place, alone with all these feelings and survive. Monday was HARD. I didn't stay in bed but I didn't get off the couch, I'm not even sure I ate but I did cry, I cried a lot and I held his Easter bunny in my arms and slept. It was hard. The grief comes in waves and some moments it swallows me whole and takes me under. But I do resurface and for a moment can grasp a deep breath and climb back to shore. I didn't want to be alone again so I made a call to my best friend and asked if we could steal our niece for the night, I needed a break from myself but never expected for this little 6 year old girl to teach me a little about life this week.

Tuesday we didn't do anything and by anything I mean it. We laid on the couch and watched movies ALL day long. She doesn't know this but it was what my heart needed. Someone to just be near. Someone who knew I was hurting but didn't want to talk about it. I learned its okay to do nothing sometimes.


Wednesday I muscled up the strength to clean up the dishes and face all of his bottles and utensils. Face my favorite moments with him. Holding him in my arms as he watched me and I sung to him as he would drift off into his milk coma. Lea raced after me in the kitchen and said "I'll help!" As I faced my favorite moments with him and watched Lea at the dinner table I was reminded of Gods presence. No matter how alone we feel, we never are. Her quiet presence reminded me that God is always near.

Lea taught me that tea parties are okay to have ALL day long and EVERYONE is invited even down to Shilo. Love knows no boundaries with her. I saw a glimpse of how God wants us to love each other....with no limits.

I had a moment where the waves took me under again and like a mighty lifeguard my 6 year old neice pushed her uncle Jeremy aside opened her arms and held me as I cried. She rescued me and drug me back to shore.  She even rocked me back and fourth :) as Jeremy repeated "we will figure out how to have our family." Moments later she tugged at my shirt and opened her hands to show me all the spare change she had. "This will help?" Yes we cried and held her very tightly.
Her innocence reminded me of Gods love for us. He will come rescue us with open arms and is an ever present helping hand. Sometimes His love for you will come from little humans not even old enough to understand but old enough to know you need a hug.

She informed me in one of the many conversations we've had this week that its okay to be sad but we will have another baby so "its okay." AND we should get a boy and a girl so we wont have to decide if we want a girl or boy. We should also name our daughter "Butterfly" and our son "Shilo" after our dog Shilo. She gave me an itenerary of what our Wednesday night should be....bubble bath, face masks, cucumber eye treatments, doing or nails and watching girly movies "until we passed out." I felt joy and laughed for the fist time in days and my heart knew God wasnt finished with us yet. This is all just a part of our story and maybe, just maybe we were created for such a time as this (Esther 4:14) Thank you Lea!


The most important lesson she taught me was to let go. This whole time I have been thinking about how could you take him from me? how could you not just back out and let us have our happy ending? Why not? It wasn't until I was watching Lea and reminiscing about watching her grow up and it dawned on me. If the tables were turned would I so easily give her or her brother up to a foster family if I was in their shoes? Without hesitation my heart screamed a very big HELL NO. And there it was, the other side of this. The perspective I needed to let go. To stop asking why and trying to find a reason to hate these people. There it was in my 6 year old niece.
Joy, laughter, perspective and love.....
Sometimes you really do need to spend time with a child to help life make sense again.
We're gonna be okay.....