This place

I can't believe it's been a month in a half since we lost our little. The pain still feels so real. It still feels like yesterday. Some days are better than others. Some days I make it without shedding a single tear or being wrapped up in my emotions and then there are days where 3:30 am rolls around and cries are coming from his nursery...
Cries from a grieving momma in an empty nursery.

The grief hit me hard as I eagerly searched for his blanket in hopes of feeling him close to me again. Once in my possession I found myself swaying back and fourth in the nursery remembering those sleepless nights as if I was rocking him back to sleep. The memories flooded and took me back to a time of being woken up by his cry for food and a butt change. A time where Jeremy and I would rather sleep than get up. A time where we'd play Rock Paper Scissors to see who would go this time. One of us would groggily walk to his nursery and change him. Top him off with his bottle and help him drift off back to sleep. A time where songs, cuddles, the smell of spit up and baby powder filled the air. Caught up in the moment I looked down in my arms expecting to see him there fast asleep but instead it was his bunched up baby blanket in my arms. For a moment I forgot my arms were empty.
The tears came again.
I never knew such beautiful memories could hurt so bad.

This place of grief has a way of changing you. It takes you into seasons of dreary weather that can make your heart feel like it's ice cold. Frozen with bitterness and pain. A place I fight like hell to not allow it to take up residency in my heart. Those emotions aren't exactly seeds id like to sow. I'm sure that harvest won't be a pleasant one ;) but it's hard. It's hard not to feel it. It's hard not to cry when other foster friends cases end with happiness. When they get those amazing four words "legally free for adoption." I cry for joy and I cry from another place in me that wishes it was us.
It. Is. Hard.
I always pictured us being on the other side of this type of loss. Going home with the baby, not saying goodbye to him. We now know that pain and we have a new found appreciation for this side of loss.

We don't have a clue what God has in store for us. We have been stirred out of control and some days I wish He'd hurry up but I am learning that the delays are growing seasons too. No matter how much I want to rush it or wish away the pain and be on the other side of this it's in the pain we see Jesus. It's in the waiting that we renew our strength. It's in the delays where we learn a little about ourselves and a WHOLE lot about God.

Its because of this pain we will be better Christians. We've learned to show mercy and grace when the world told us to be angry and hateful.

We will be better friends because we've learned the immense power of someone wrapping their arms around you and telling you "it's okay to be here."

It's because of this place we will marvel in all of Gods goodness and sovereignty when we meet our forever child/ren.

But most of all, we will be better parents because of this. We will appreciate every single moment and never take it for granted. We will wake up with joy in our heart at 3:30am to care for our child because next time, we won't be walking back into an empty nursery crying our for our child, our child will be crying out for us.

Because of this place we will be better parents!