This day...

I have this specific chair on the front porch that has called my name more than once to sit with Jesus and just let it all out. It's been the only place that I've been able to fully let myself go. 10 months ago I found myself in this chair an emotional wreck after we lost our babies and now I sit in this familiar place yet again but don't quite recognize it this time around.

Nothing's the same except the worries that escape me and pour out down my face as my voice shakes calling on The Father. This time, it's a day, a little square space on my calendar that holds one specific important agenda. This day could crush our world or make this journey the most beautiful thing we've hoped and prayed for.

This day, ordinarily a day that I would pass by on the calendar to pencil in Fourth of July festivities has a very big blue heart in it. This year it holds so much in its 24 hour life span. I never knew the power a small word and number placed together could hold until now. I don't feel ready for this season, this battle and I don't know if my heart can do it again.

Just saying that makes me feel weak and I can hear Joshua 1:9 ringing in my mind! "Be strong Trina! Be courageous Trina!" Followed by Jeremiah 29:11 and some psalms "Be still and know I am God!" For a moment these gentle reminders bring peace and then.....I'm right back where I was.

Shouts of fear and intimidation surround me. This day haunts my thoughts like Goliath taunted the Israelites. Stomping around in my mind with a big ole "fee fie foe fum." This giant we're facing makes my knees weak, my body shake and stomach twist and turn until it's so knotted up I can't even eat.

This day has already brought me some heart wrenching "I'm sorry" as if we've already lost and the infamous "you can't think like that!" Followed by my wifely/daughterly/sisterly/
friendly duties to aid in comforting their worries as I try to muscle up strength to sort through my own emotions.

Easing everyone elses anxieties when my own heart is so heavy and I don't even know how to calm my own worries. Funny how a future event can steal so much of the present before its even born.

Our future as the family we've grown to know lies in the hands of someone who doesn't fully know the bond or love we share. Someone who doesn't know about our sleepless nights, the dance parties in our kitchen or the way this child will grab my face and pull me in just to give his momma a kiss. The way he lights up when he hears you sing him his favorite song or the special laughter that comes from deep down in his belly when his daddy plays with him. Or the lives he's touched, the joy he's brought to strangers in the grocery store or how his happiness draws people to him. God is in him. Can you see it?


This is OUR kind of love and it's special. Can you see it? Can you see it in the paper work? Can you see it in us? Can you see the happiness? Can you see that we are a family? God, did they see it? Did we show them enough of us for them to make the right decision? Did we show them? Could they see it? Will nurture win over nature?

My heart is heavy. It's pulled in two different directions. My mothering heart says "What I want doesn't matter, it's what's best for our child." Even if that isn't us. But my infertile heart cries out "Please don't take him from us." He is our son.

 I can't help but to hold him a little tighter these days. Give him a little more sugars than normal and smell the back of his neck every chance I get. I'm scared I'll forget and I don't want to forget any detail about him....just in case. Just in case my heart hasn't been lined up with Gods will. Just in case I have to say goodbye....Just in case the heartache comes and we are back at square one with empty arms.

This day....this day holds my already fragile heart in its hands.