The anxious Christian

I have been fighting God for quite some time on this but I have muscled up the strength to share a part of me that I fight to hide. So please be kind :)

I am an anxious Christian. When I say anxious I don't mean those typical worries and what ifs that everyone deals with. "Did I turn off my straightener? Did I close the garage door?"
I am referring to a mental health issue called Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. I also have hyperactive ADD. This just means my brain runs super fast and never shuts up haha :) These three parts of me affect every aspect of my life. Those typical worries of "did I turn off my straightener? Did I close the garage door?" turn into an episode of CSI and criminal minds in my head and my body's fight or flight is triggered. There are days I would spend most of my day in this state. Worried about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Depression would lurk closely with it some days.

This is not something I can control and for years I was convinced it was mind over matter. With each attack my hands would shake, I would get lightheaded, my heart rate would increase, chest pains, shortness of breath and this felling of choking soon turned into full blown panic and blacking out. I began to fear my fear. I quit driving, quit going out because I was afraid of anyone seeing me in that state and judging me. I was afraid of loosing control in front of strangers and being alone. So my life changed from going out to staying in. Canceling plans at the last minute because my anxiety would take me over and I couldn't shake it. I went from driving and it being my escape to being terrified of it because had an attack while driving. This isn't mind over matter these feelings are real and strong.

In 2005 I asked my Dr. for help. I didn't know what else to do. He prescribed me Zoloft and before I knew it I had my life back. I was okay again. I stayed on it for about 5 years and then decided to get off of it. For two years it went into "remission" and then one day I had my first intrusive thought. That moment changed my life in ways I cant even express but it was the day I found my salvation as I fell to my knees crying out to God to help me.

These thoughts weren't me and I was scared. I reached out to my Dr again and bounced from one medicine to the next. Nothing seemed to help and I was wrapped up in these feelings and emotions again unable to escape them. It was because of that I dove into my relationship with God and sought out help from a cognitive behavioral therapist. With her help I learned to challenge my worries, re-frame them and work on my perfectionism. I still had anxiety but I had some tools to help me through it and a safe place to let out my worries and be guided to a place of acceptance with my therapist. It was HARD and I wrestled with it every hour of every day. I survived each day, I survived each anxiety attack or intrusive thought but I didn't feel like I had quality of life. I was either tired from my anxiety kicking my butt or tired from fighting it. It was very hard but I kept telling myself that God would heal me.
My healing began on December 9 2015. We became instant parents again to another foster child. A newborn baby. Aside from foster parenting being a huge emotional stressor, life, school, my husbands new duty station a new baby and everything in between the emotional stress I was under took a huge toll on me and before I knew it I was in that place of panic again. I couldn't drive because I would have a panic attack while driving or being away from my home. Before I knew it we wouldn't leave the house unless we absolutely had to. With a newborn baby that was easy.

As the months passed our son went from this teenie tiny little baby to a growing little boy. I was watching him discover new things and I had so much I wanted to teach him and share with him. I imagined all the things we would do but the reality of my disorders would creep in and remind me that I couldn't even drive down the road with him without having an attack. I couldn't go for our afternoon runs anymore because I would panic. Everything I wanted to do would mean driving and being outside of my comfort zone that I had created. I knew my son deserved better. I knew he deserved to have me at my best and I wanted him to have that. I wanted to be able to say "lets go to the park" and without panic we would and we would create beautiful memories. I wanted that, I deserved that and so did our son and so did my husband.

So after two years of fighting this, feeling the weakest I ever have I asked my Dr. for help again. Back to Zoloft. This little blue pill was going back in to my system to help me have quality of life again. To correct this imbalance that has haunted me and taken so much from me and my family. I remember crying the first day I took it. I felt so defeated. I felt like God had failed me and I had somehow failed Him but our son, my husband and myself deserved better than what was happening to me. For my family I can accept this place again....

It has been almost four months since I started taking my medicine again and I feel better. My mind doesn't seem to have 312564941548945 tabs open and running a mile a minute. I haven't had a panic attack in four months. I don't know how long I will have to be on it this time around but I do know its working and my body needs it.  My healing started the day we said yes to the placement. It hit its turning point when I realized my disorder wouldn't just limit me but my son and I humbly swallowed my pride and said "I need help." Through this little blue pill I am getting my life back. I will be a better mom, a better wife, daughter, God mother, sister, aunt, sister in Christ and friend. The very best God intended for me to be. Just have to take it one day at a time. My brain doesn't work like everyone else's and that's okay because my heart finally knows that I AM FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made by a God who literally DIED to know me.

Life happens to ALL of us. We have all seen the evil of this world in some shape or form. We have been guided outside of this comfort zone of safety. The image in our minds of that once safe and perfect life shattered with the first death of a loved one, or a cheating spouse, or infertility, an injury that called for pain medicine and before you knew it you were addicted. This life is HARD! So today I encourage you to always remember to be kind and love like Jesus.

I know some churches don't speak on these matters. They tread lightly teetering between divine healing and modern science. Fearing that if they insinuate that their healing could come from medicine they are pushing people away from faith. Although I understand this perspective it isn't fair to people like me for churches to mask the healing that can come from medicine. Pastors I challenge you to speak up. I challenge you to teach about mental disorder. To spiritually educate your congregation and be unbiased. Don't put God in a box and amount His healing powers to solely come from divine intervention.
Openly talk about this and stop making this a taboo.

For our soldiers, for our mothers, for our brothers and sisters that suffer in silence SPEAK UP and make sure God's children have all of the resources available to them.
I encourage you to let someone know they aren't alone. I know the immense power of those words.

This is my testimony and I am the 1 in 4.
I am the anxious Christian whose life is being changed by a little blue pill and God. The very bravest and strongest thing I did was ASK for help.
Most importantly if you are thinking of harming yourself PLEASE reach out to someone or call the national suicide prevention hot-line

My heart knows the strength it takes to hold on when life's falling apart. I understand that when everything is going wrong anything seems like an attractive option but please hear me when I tell you YOU MATTER. Your life is SO PRECIOUS. If you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. There is hope, don't let the devil win. Suicide doesn't mean the pain stops it means there is no room for life to ever be beautiful again and you were created for so much. Open your bible, grab a hold of God and don't let go.