After she left I couldn't help but think of other women who are like us. On a journey to build their family through foster care and adoption and how much I wished I had someone back then to help give me a little insight.
So this is for you new friend and new foster moms.
One letter of love from a veteran foster mom to another.*
Dear new foster mom,
How you found this journey is beautifully your own. Whether you are intending to adopt or want to advocate for orphan care I pray this little letter blesses your heart and helps you along the journey.
The pre-parenting classes will make you laugh, surprise you and give you an unveiled look into foster care and foster children. So pay attention, keep an open mind, leave judgement at the door and listen from the heart.
It takes a village to raise a child and you WILL need help so make friends with your fellow class members. Build up your village! Our "village people" have become forever friends. There is comfort in facing the hard parts of the journey with people who understand.
Make lots of lists for class requirements. The paperwork can get overwhelming so just remember to take deep breaths and keep your eye on the purpose.
Take each home study with grace. Your home does not have to shine bright or be perfect, just safe.
Wait patiently for your approval to come back from committee because it will take some time. If you're anything like me that is easier said than done so make sure to occupy your time. I survived the waiting period with decorating and preparing the rooms for our children.
The first call will always be the most emotional one. You will become an "insta-mom" to a child/children not your own. It's overwhelmingly beautiful. I remember almost fainting with excitement, anxiety and fear all rolled into one.
When they arrive or you arrive to the hospital. Take a deep breath and say a prayer. You've already been approved and DSS sees something great in you to give you the approval of caring for their children. Embrace that confidence and just be YOU.
Expect a "honeymoon" stage. How long that lasts depends on the child/children and their background but when it's over, you will know. You will see your child/children change and it can hit hard. Don't think you have done something wrong, it just comes with the territory. LOVE THEM even harder!
There will be days your heart hurts so deeply for the children you care for you will think of walking away but please don't they need you! I always remind myself that we can take the heartache so they don't have to.
There will be days that they fill your heart with so much joy and purpose it will ignite the fire in your soul to love them even harder (remember those days! You'll need that fuel for the tough days)
You will learn first hand how broken the system really is and that you can not fix it. I promise you the caseworkers feel the same way. Don't try to fix it, you will wear yourself out but don't let your child/children fall through the cracks of the system. I have planted my rear end in a chair and waited 4 hours at a speech pathologists office to make sure our foster child was seen and taken care of as scheduled. You are their voice, you are their advocate and always remember you are fighting the good fight.
When they say don't post about the child/children on social media. DONT! This is for the protection of you, your child/children and the parents privacy. I know this will be hard when you see all the milestones, photos and stories your friends share. Instead, do what I did and just blow up friends and families phones with all the things you want to share😉 and if all else fails you can email me! I will REJOICE, laugh, pray and love every moment of your journey right alongside of you.
The first visitation (if you choose to attend or asked to come) will always be weird. You won't know how to act and neither will their parent/s. Don't force anything. Let what happens happen. I hugged our foster daughters mom at my first one and refused to attend our third placements visitations. It will never be the same. Just try to remember to leave your judgements at the door and that their parent/s are still children of God. Humble your heart.
If your are feeling overwhelmed ASK for respite care. Take a break. Regather yourself. The children need you to be fully "you" and it's okay to ask for help. Call on your village people 😉 If Jesus needed to take a break and have a moment with The Father to regather himself then by God so do we and that's okay.
Now the tough part. The part that will never be easy no matter how many times you go through it. Saying goodbye. Whether it be because a family member steps in or reunification happens it is going to hurt. You can not prepare yourself for that kind of heartache. You will grieve. So allow yourself to. Jesus wept so can we.
Don't feel like you have to rush into another placement until you are ready. These children grow on you and leave little places in your heart. I have three "battle scars" on my own heart but I promise it's worth it.
It's impossible to distant yourself from loving these children. So take it one day at a time, one visitation at a time, one appointment at a time, one home visit at a time and NEVER forget that you ARE making a difference in the life of a child. YOU and Jesus are breaking the mold, helping unshackle chains and show these children what love is suppose to look like, feel like and be like.
New foster mom, this will be a beautifully chaotic journey but worth every moment.
Sincerely,
Trina
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