God! Am I a good Mom?

Ten years ago I would have never imagined that motherhood would have found me through foster care. I always had this image of how my pregnancy would go and the type of mom I would be. Not to overbearing but not lenient or a push over. My children would eat their vegetables, have manners, be polite and know all about Jesus and our Heavenly Father. I didn't think parenthood was easy but I never expected it to be this hard. Is it just a little more harder than normal because I love a child who isn't my own? or is this all part of the journey of motherhood and by God am I doing it right?

I love a child who isn't my own. It isn't the same as being an Aunt or a Godmother. This is our daughter, we care for her 24/7. I don't have anyone I can just call and say "HAY! Your child is acting this way or crying...what do I do?" Sure I can call the many social workers we deal with but they really don't know either. I get told to "try this" or "shes just a baby, it's just a phase". For the first time I feel like I am walking blindly into a hurricane. Walking a path with no GPS to help me out. I am winging it and desperately praying to God that I am getting it right along the way.

Every step I take, every food or toy I try I am winging it. Every screeching scream that pierces my ear drum I try food, a sippy cup, holding her, rocking her, leaving her alone and each time the very one thing I thought would do the trick.......isn't it. After 7 weeks of it and feeling like a failure I cant help but to think is it because I am a bad mom? or because I am not your biological mother? Is there some gene or hormone that mothers are suppose to have that connects them to their child so they know what they need? "This cry means this! or this means she needs this or wants this" or are we all just kind of winging it, learning as we go and desperately relying on other mothers ahead of us on this journey to help be the guiding light? 

 Daily I ask myself if I am a good mom. I doubt myself and I question EVERYTHING I do and say because we are responsible for how this child sees the world. We are responsible for how she grows, learns, adjusts and one day loves someone. How we parent directly effects how she will be in her life and that is so scary. That is scarier than any panic attack or intrusive thought I have ever had in my life. We hold a child's future in our hands and we have no idea what we are doing (*insert anxiety attack and an insanely large amount of tears*) Not only do I have these worries but we have people lurking around the corner waiting to see us fail or break and DSS watching our every move. We are constantly under a microscope which begs the feeling that I have to be a "perfect mom" even when I logically know that she doesn't exist. I know I am not the only mom to feel this weight. I am told by many "WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD!" with open arms as I am embraced with love and understanding. Open arms that don't hide behind a facade that they have it all figured out. Moms who don't judge me, mothers who are ahead of me on this beautifully chaotic journey reaching out a hand to lift me up when I have fallen to help brush me off and say "Lift your head overwhelmed Mom, your not alone! You got this."

 

The last seven weeks I have learned that motherhood isn't a race, its not about being the perfect mom or creating this image that you have it all figured out; if anything its the epitome of faith. Walking a path without knowing what lies ahead and taking heart that the path your walking, your not doing it alone and trusting something you cant readily explain. Its a journey that lasts a lifetime and I take heart in my veteran mothers. The ones ahead of me, the ones who turn to me and say "been there! Here's whatcha do!" :) The ones who without missing a beat in their busy lives have checked on me, who have brought encouragement, laughter, cried with me, for me and just hugged me when there were no words to comfort. Motherhood is a special kind of sisterhood so this is for my amazing mommy friends. Especially those of you who have ever doubted your worth or purpose or are constantly questioning yourself.....You are not alone and this is for you!

When your heart screams "I cant do this!" God says: "YES YOU CAN!"
Philippians 4:13 "I CAN do ALL THINGS through CHRIST who strengthens me!
When the days are long and your heart is heavy. The days when you feel like a failure as a mom God says: "You are enough!" 

Psalm 139: 13-14 "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."
The creator of the universe made YOU to be the EXACT way you are! He does not make mistakes!

When the bad days outweigh the good and your feeling defeated and want to give up God says: "Bad days are okay but never loose hope!"
2 Corinthians 4: 8-9 "We have troubles all around us, BUT WE ARE NOT DEFEATED. We do not know what to do, but WE DO NOT GIVE UP the hope of living. We are persecuted, but God DOES NOT LEAVE US. We hurt sometimes, but WE ARE NOT DESTROYED!"

When you feel lost and alone God says: "I'm here!"
Matthew 28:20 "And remember I am with you ALWAYS, until the end of age." 
He will NEVER leave you or forsake you!


When you feel overwhelmed God says: "I've got this! Take my hand!"
Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

When you feel like your not making a difference God says: "I see you child! I am proud!"
Zephaniah 3:17 "The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."

When you are scared sitting in the Dr.'s appointments, or PPAT meetings or CDSA meetings or going into your first visitation with the birthparents or the vast array of fears that comes with motherhood God says: "Its going to be okay! I got your back!"
Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

When you don't know what road to take on this path of motherhood God says: "I do! Follow me!" Psalm 37: 23-24 "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will NEVER fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."

Take heart in following The Lord, He overcame the world! There is nothing He cant do for you!

But most importantly for my foster adoptive mothers.....we came to God the very way our children come to us. Adopted out of love. If nothing can separate us from His love there is no "gene" or "hormone" that we are missing to understand our child/children that can separate our love from them. They are ours! Remember our creed!

I may cry more days than I smile but because I know I have the power of Christ in me; I know it's all going to be okay. Shake off those heavy chains, turn your eyes away from yourself and towards the Man that says YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE HIS. 
Even in my most vulnerable moments He is still there to help. Because of my weakness His strength is magnified. I can conquer each day and walk this path of motherhood with grace because I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made by the creator of the stars and universe. In God's eyes I AM a GOOD mom and so are you!