We waited patiently for the car to pull into the driveway. My heart was racing. It almost didn't feel real. Then a foreign car pulled into the driveway my heart dropped. This is the moment, this is the moment we have waited for. She is here. This is really happening. Without missing a beat Jeremy was out the door and in the driveway greeting the caseworker. I watched from the window. I couldn't move, I was happily terrified and trying to gather myself before I met our daughter. I remember asking God to steady my heart and body. I was shaking uncontrollably & needed Him to hold my hand through this one because I was scared.
She came to us with no shoes, clothes that didn't fit and a smile on her face that stole my heart. While gathering the information needed from the caseworker we were surprised with gifts from friends and balloons on the mailbox. The caseworker got a tickle out of that. We got the 411 on our baby starfish & the caseworker left.....He just left!.......He left her with us and we had no clue what to do next haha. We were parents the minute that door closed and we turned around to walk into the living room.....we looked at each other and said "what now!?" hahaha
Her first day with us she got to meet my parents, uncle, cousins and Aunt. My momma took to her like a fish in water. My dad on the other hand refused to hold her. That really bothered Jeremy but I think I was to happy to care. Later on we found out that it's because he doesn't want to get attached. As much as my heart understands that I had to put some sense into him ;-)
It hasn't been easy. The week after we got her I started school full time. My schedule consists of microbiology, general psych, life wellness and social psych and I drive a hour away for class. That same week we had to make a trip to MD for a graduation. Funds were low from trying to make sure our baby starfish had diapers, food, wipes, bottles, clothes, formula etc. I had three tests to do, two thesis papers to write, pages upon pages to read, a road trip, an 11 month old baby who needs us 24/7, and a photography session......emotional breakdown commenced that evening. I cried as an overwhelmed new mom for the first time that evening. I sobbed my eyes out while my husband held me and reassured me it's gonna be okay.....and it was! I survived my first week as a new mom, wife, photographer, friend and full time student with a 3.9 GPA!
A new week brought new worries. We still had no daycare, Jeremy took a week off of work to help. We had to find a daycare, a pediatrician, a dentist and get our DSS voucher for daycare squared away. I filled out so much paper work that week it was almost as bad the closing paperwork for buying a house......as a cosigner! 4 trips in one week to DSS, two other placement calls; one for a 4 day old baby and another for a 4 month old baby (we declined hahaha we aren't crazy), three trips to a daycare and pediatricians office, 5 tests and two thesis papers later we had a daycare, pediatrician, dentist and HALLELUJAH we got the daycare voucher! Our baby girl was set to attend her Christian daycare and to see a Dr the next week. We survived week two!
Week 3 was a little more easier than week 2. The stresses of being new parents, a full time student and a working dad weren't so overwhelming. Our feet were wet! We were finding our groove. Then we got the call to schedule visitations with the parents. I knew that day would come and I was so happy they were granted visitations. Our baby starfish gets to see her parents and her siblings. I got this! This is a glorious occasion. Our visitation day rolls around and I'm nervous. I pulled into the parking lot and sat there for a few minutes. How was dad going to be? Would he hate me? What the heck was going to happen? Would he show up? Will she recognize him? If she doesn't what will he do? Will she know her siblings when she sees them? Will they know her? Questions upon questions circled my mind! I knew I couldn't get answers to those questions so I took a deep breath bowed my head and prayed for peace and safety. I put on the full armor of God, grabbed our baby starfish and in we went!
Jeremy showed up and that was a breath of fresh air. I didn't know if he was going to be able to come. We sat and waited for her dad and siblings to show up. I was so excited to meet the other foster family. When they showed up it was an unspoken bond. Our baby starfish knew who her siblings were and they knew she was their "sissy". My heart was full! An hour passed and dad was a no show. We didn't even realize it. The caseworker told us we could leave so we packed up and headed to our cars. We continued to talk and let the kids enjoy time together. Her sister was holding my hand as we walked out and she looks up at me and asks if our baby starfish "her sissy" was going with them, as my heart tore into a million pieces I had to tell her no but did my best to hold back the tears and exclaim with excitement that she gets to see her next week. We said our see you laters and I cried the whole way home until I could get home; call my mom and cry some more. My heart broken twice that day.
Week four was rough. Our baby starfish got her shots and was cranky but thank God for golf because the US open closed my school down and I had a week off to tend to our girl and house........then the diseases found me. Hello head cold, drainage, headache, fatigue and coughing. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my week off but I'd rather be sick on my week off so I can recover than in class dying haha. Just as I thought this week couldn't be anymore trying my phone rings and moms visitation start this week after dad's visitations. That's a total of 4 hours at the deli for visitations. I pack the the diaper bag, grab a blanket, pack up my books to study while I am there and we head to walmart to get her birthday cake and then off to the visitations we go. This time I was running a little behind so I didn't have time to let the questions circle in my mind. As we waited my fellow foster momma and I shared our anxiousness and then we see mom come around the corner.....
She ran to her son picked him up and cried as she held him and reached for her oldest daughter. Our baby starfish didn't know what to think. Hell I didn't know want to think or do. So I did nothing. I watched a heart broken mother filled with joy as she held her son in her arms. I watched my daughter shy away from her mother and reach for me, I watched a little girl twirl around with her sister and share her moms phone to watch a video. I watched the mother of our daughter cut her 1st birthday cake as she smashed her little fingers all in the cake and her sister tried to lick the cake. I held my daughter as she said goodbye to her mother and her mother cried, I rubbed my daughters mothers back and told her it was going to be okay. I held my fellow foster Momma as we cried while holding her son who was crying out and reaching for his mother as she walked away. I waited for a dad to show up who never came. My heart broke that day. It broke for a mother who missed her children, two little girls who didn't seem to be fazed by meeting their mom, a little boy who cried out for his mother as she left, a foster mom who's heart broke watching it happen and for three amazing children who's dad didn't come. I cried myself home that day and again in the shower to wash the heartache away......Our daughter has two Moms. One who loves her from afar and one who loves her closely.
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