PRAISE HIM in the hallway....

 

Having no luck getting pregnant is hard to deal with & being mad at God was an understatement. After we found out it wasn't my husband I remember everything fading away. I sat on the table and the Dr.'s words got lower and lower until there was no sound coming from his mouth. My heart was racing, every hope I had that God would bring us our miracle and show us we just needed to trust Him and didn't need any fertility Dr.'s was gone and replaced with anger. Anger that we have struggled to have a child & we see people everyday who hurt the very gift God has given them because they dont want their children. Oh I was mad. My thoughts ran ramped until I was brought back to reality when the Dr touched my leg and said "We will figure this out" holding back tears I said okay. I did not want to face this because it wasn't fair. I didn't want it to be me. The one thing that God created a woman to do....I really may not be equip to do. I just wanted to get away. I wanted to run away. I felt abandoned by God.

At first I didn't face it. I decided to look into foster care. My husband and I had started looking into adoption years prior. We had always said no matter if we had our own we would always adopt. That got me thinking about children in our home state that needed homes. Why do newborn and spend so much money and heartache if the mother changes her mind? when there are thousands of children needing a place to call home. Before I knew it my husband and I made it through round 1 and were sitting in the foster parenting classes that just so happened to be the first "fast track" class they have ever offered. WHICH would end and have my husband certified before his next deployment :-) I wasn't use to this. Everything was going right. Everything lined up. The job I was at worked with us for our home study. I was just amazed at how our luck had seemed to turned around. So I decided to finish my fertility endeavors with this new found luck.

 
My husband and I had decided a long time ago that I wouldn't take fertility drugs. I have an autoimmune disease and am already an emotional roller coaster some days lol. We also knew that because of my back I would probably be bedridden after the 2nd trimester and that my risk of PPD was high because Ive suffered from depression before, scary as hell to think about as a women but we had hope it wouldn't happen. So after my second test which was testing my hormones, which came back fine JUST LIKE the first step did, they wanted to test my tubes. Up to this point I was okay. A bit aggravated but okay. Still no answers but okay. The tube testing was our last step. So I prayed and asked God what to do....no answer.
 

After more racing thoughts and worries I think any woman could ever experience weighing EVERYTHING, I decided to tell my family I was contemplating not having the surgery done. I didn't want to put myself through it anymore. I wanted to know why in the world it wasn't happening for us but I was getting tired and weary. My heart hurt and I was drained. We weren't getting answers and I had a feeling that testing my tubes would bring the same results, "everything's normal" and it be one more emotional hump for me to climb over. My family wanted me to have it done. My dad didn't understand why I wouldn't do it and I saw the disappointment in my mothers eyes. She would never say it to me but it was there. I wanted someone else to make this decision. It shouldn't be this hard to have a baby, to give my husband and I a child, my parents a grandchild and my brother his "mini me" lol. But I knew it ultimately boiled down to me. No matter how much I didn't want to face it I had to make a choice..... I prayed again and again and again and again................no answer. I felt even more mad at Him. No answers what so ever. I guess this time I was on my own and all I felt I could do was pray I make the right decision.

I decided to just let God be God. If He wanted us to be pregnant it would happen. There is nothing that could stand in his way. He healed the blind, fed the hungry and turned water to wine. When He wants it to be He will make sure it happens. I slowly lost my need to know why as my husband and I focused on finishing our foster parenting classes. We graduated in July with a new image of what foster parenting is, who we are & that life really does just happen to all of us and sometimes it takes people longer than others to find their way out. It is a blessing that my husband and I will hopefully (we still haven't been approved yet so prayers please :) thank you!!)  get the chance to be the help and be the light to break some of the chains that have held people captive.........break the cycle and just give a child a safe haven. I never expected to go into the classes and find myself, or a new family, let alone a new perspective on life, parenting & other people!
 

Our new family! "Village People" :)

I still hope to have a baby one day but I'm finally at a place where I am "okay" if that never happens because Ive learned that God closed that door and we have found a miracle in that hallway, He opened another door for us. I may not have been "praising" Him, probably more like raising hell but He has taken my husband and I down a path that can give us not just one or two children but 20-30 children to love and mold. So learn from me, when God closes one door.....PRAISE Him in the hallway until He opens another! You never known what amazing door He will open for you! What amazing thing He will show you! It may just be YOUR PURPOSE, YOUR CALLING! DON'T EVER LOOSE HOPE! Sometimes you've just gotta stop banging on the door God has already closed and just trust that what's behind it, just isn't for you. My husband and I have been on this "journey" of TTC since 2004. It wont happen overnight but you can ALWAYS rest in His promises and PRAISE HIM until he opens that other door. He has to work all the pieces out so that they fit perfectly together for you, and that takes time. KNOW THAT BLESSINGS ARE COMING YOUR WAY IN WAYS YOU CAN NEVER IMAGINE!!