If I knew then what I know now.....

 
When did life become so "real"? I remember that "safe place" where life was just......that thing that would happen one day.The last 4 years have held a vast array of situations that have shook my world. The thought of ever loosing a loved one became a reality but the thought of loosing 9.....never crossed my mind. Not being able to conceive, wasn't anything I thought I would face either......It all happened at once. Like a ton of bricks just crashing down around me. As if my life couldn't get anymore "real" intrusive thoughts crept in thanks to my anxiety and an out of whack thyroid it led to GAD (general anxiety disorder) which had me frozen in time with fear of anything and everything. That once simple and safe world where nothing bad would happen was completely shattered. How do you deal with that? I don't ever remember being taught how to handle "life" in school. This.....this I wasn't prepared for. This......this was when I wanted to run for cover under the safety of my mothers wings again where life wasn't really "real". That place where everything was okay. Safe from all harm, but because I've been doing this thing called "life" on my own for almost 11 years it wasn't an option. It wasn't something I could be shielded from. I had no clue how to deal with it. Where to go from there. Was it okay to be angry? Was it okay to hurt so bad I couldn't breath. Was it okay to smile again? Or be happy? Was it okay to be mad at God? Was I broken? because it sure felt like it. I felt like I had no idea who my God was, what life was or how to live my life without my loved ones or the image I had in my head of our life as parents. I always asked God WHY? With each prayer came no answer and I lost a little more faith. I grew more and more angry with Him. He wouldn't answer me. He wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear or how to fix it or give me what I wanted! I felt like I had been forgotten. Left walking through the valley alone! Where was my savior? My deliverer?

 If I only knew then what I know now.... My heart was hurting so bad I couldn't see anything but the pain and my need to control and understand what to do. Letting go to a God I cant see wasn't easy. I needed hard evidence! I needed more than the bible. More than faith. I needed something more to help get through the situations I was in. I kept trying to fix it. I couldn't just let it go. I couldn't just say "it is what it is" and move forward. I was STUCK. I was right where the devil wanted me to be.....TRAPPED! Nobody ever told me how the devil worked. I was that little lamb that had gone astray. I saw the devil for who he was and it scared me. I had this preconception that it was all God's fault because He is in control and because I didn't know God it was easy to blame him! I knew OF Him. I didn't know WHO He was or His characteristics. I knew the stereotypes and what I wanted God to be because it was easier to mold Him to my image of what a God is suppose to be like than to see Him for what He really is. I had a very misconstrued perception of our God. I wasn't playing off of Mommy & Daddy's faith anymore. Needless to say....$%!# got real.

 

 I was now on a journey of discovering my own faith. My own relationship with God. Who I am in Christ. That's a scary thought for someone with control issues lol. Not being in control anymore.....taking that first leap of faith.....taking a chance. It was either stay stuck or take a leap of faith. I was going to put my trust in someone I couldn't physically see nor hear. What the heck? right?

As the months passed and my "coping mechanism" to control & understand (as toxic as it may seem it was my comfort) started to disparate & my eyes turned to the Lord. My desire to control and understand slowly followed it. My panic and anxiety would slowly turn into my favorite scripture 

"Do not be anxious about anything! But in everything, through prayer & petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God and the peace which transcends all understanding will guide your hearts and your minds in Christ" Philippians 4:6-7. I started to see God and hear Him.
My husband and I do yearly donations for Christmas. We don't buy each other anything we help someone else and last year we had no idea what to do. So I prayed. I asked God to help us out, very vaguely I hear "your church" I pass the thought by like "okay whatever" keep on with my prayers and the thought just gets louder and finally I just laughed and said "Okay God, I get it! What happened to that small still voice?" and I hear "you weren't listening!" :) I can never explain the sense of comfort and peace I felt after that. It was sensation that can only be experienced. My faith grew by 10 miles that night and 1000 when we found out our Church was struggling to keep their doors open and were praying for help. Our donation made sure that didn't happen :) Now mind you, I'm still growing in my relationship and was completely WOWED and a little freaked out hahaha. Never in my life have I experienced something like that. God showed me how real He is!

 

I was slowly shaking my anxiety, it wasn't an easy route. I still have it to this day but to me its "normal anxiety" lol but life will always happen and I hit another "speed bump". We were blessed to find a home we both loved and be in a home for Christmas. So we moved our animals out to the new house and two of our furkids Bandit and Sassy escaped :( I found myself right back in the angry state with God. I remember praying....well it was more like banging on heavens doors. I was mad. I wanted a break! I wanted life to just chill out for a while and let me be happy. I wanted God to be a genie and make it all better. I demanded that He bring my babies home. I couldn't handle loosing anyone else. I wanted my babies to be on the front porch in the morning! I actually said "if You are who you say you are, You will do it!" YIKES! I know (bad Trina). The next morning I go about my routine and what do I see on my front porch? Not Bandit and Sassy.......3 flipping puppies....on our front porch! I was floored! I stepped off the stoop and looked up at the heavens and said "WHAT am I suppose to do with them? This is NOT what I had in mind!?" and then of course I smiled and under my breath said thank you and grabbed all the puppies :). We found homes for the two boys and planned on keeping the one girl. That night Bandit came home and when I didn't see Sassy with him I knew something had happened to her. The look on my husbands face confirmed it. She had been hit by a car and he found her. He took her to the land and buried her next to her sister Bailey and momma Sadie. She died the same day I found the puppies on the porch :) We lost all three of our girls in 2 years :( my heart was broken but again the good Lord revealed himself to me. I was reminded of the story of Job. After all he was put through he NEVER lost faith in God and God blessed him 10 fold, He replaced everything he had taken away from him and ours started with those sweet little puppies that somehow landed on our front porch. Somehow someway God replaced what he had taken away from us with Lilly. She looks like Sadie, has a patch on her chest just like Bailey and her facial expressions, has Sassy's mannerisms and everyday we see our three girls in her. I am eternally grateful for that and my faith was nowhere near as strong as Job's was. It was in this moment I realized how patient and loving our God is & cant imagine what more I could be blessed with if I had that faith of Job!

A year and a half has come to pass and I am more alive in Him than I have ever been in my life. My tragedies turned victorious with that small leap of faith. 

If I knew then what I know now....Id have saved myself so much trouble but missed out on this glorious journey to finding God, myself & my calling!

"For I know the plans I have for you! Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11