Failed Adoption: One year later...

This time last year we were matched with a birth mom in FL. She was expecting a little girl & we were guarded but hopeful. The day after thanksgiving we journeyed to FL. to meet our little girls birth family. 

I was so nervous I couldn't quiet my brain..."What will happen? Will they like us? What do I say? Is it okay to ask to touch her belly? Do I hug them?..."

My nerves had a hold of me so tightly I couldn't eat and was peeing every 30 minutes. Which made for an AWESOME 14 hour trip

When we arrived we met at a local mall. Our little girls birth parents stepped off the bus and my heart immediately dropped as I saw her belly. It became real to me that this was happening. We were really here. (Insert my racing heart)

I wanted to run towards them and be my usual overwhelming self but decided to wait anxiously with the BIGGEST smile on my face️ 

Our birth mom came up to me and HUGGED ME :) My heart fluttered back to its normal space and calmed with her reassuring hug. It felt like we had known each other for years. It was beautiful.

Momma A was beautiful. Dark skin, dark hair, happy, wholesome and caring. I loved her heart and being around her. Her hugs were warm and welcoming. I remember thinking of my Grandma Hair when she hugged. It reminded me of her hugs that I miss so much. (Thanks God)

We spent the whole weekend together sitting at the beach, eating some delicious food, talking and learning about each other. It was wonderful!

We left feeling like we had left a piece of us in FL. It was so hard for me to leave.

When we got home we decided to do the nursery. To jump all the way in and trust our journey no matter how broken it's been. I didn't think it was possible for me to be happy again in the nursery but I was. And I was thankful.

 

We held off on naming her for the safety of our own hearts. Something about giving a name to her made it personal but after doing the nursery it was all in or nothing and our baby girl needed a name. 

We named her Anastasia Noelle. Anastasia after my kindergarten teacher who helped me accept Jesus into my heart and Noelle for my mother who loves Christmas. 

Our "Ana Noelle"️

The days passed and we were anxiously waiting to meet our baby girl. Valentine's Day couldn't get here soon enough. 

Then one ordinary day we got a phone call that tore my heart out....again.

Birth mom didn't want to do it anymore.

I remember holding my composure over the phone and telling them good luck and that we will always love them and her. I had myself fooled that I was okay. 

I made the call to my husband and told him. Hearing him say "no!" broke that facade and I fell apart in the nursery....again. 

He rushed me off the phone to figure out a way home but I needed him to stay where he was. His troops needed him and I needed my mom.  

We put her things in the nursery and shut the door. I can count on both my hands now how many times the nursery has been a revolving door.

As the days passed my prayers grew from a selfish place to an angry place and ping ponged around until safely landing in a place of contentment and forgiveness.

I will never forget that day either.

It had been raining heavily all day just adding to the gloomy ambience my heart had been feeling. I remember finding my way to my red chair and just listening to the rain as I cried. If anything it could muffle the sounds of my cries and I felt like God was crying with me.

I told God to just take it and heal my broken heart.

The rain was coming down harder and the wind had picked up so I made my way inside; just as I was about to walk through the door the rain stopped and a rainbow appeared beside our house.

It was so beautiful. 

I cried from a place of joy and comfort as I was gently reminded storms don't last forever. I somehow found my courage in that rainbow.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about momma A and Anastasia. I wonder if they are safe, well and happy. If she decided to keep her or if she went to another family. I wonder what she looks like and if she heard our prayers. My momma heart will always wonder. 

I don't know why us? Why this journey? Lord knows some days I wish I did but until I can get to Heaven and finally ask God why? I'm going to continue to look for rainbows after the storm passes and rest my weary heart in this truth: "He makes ALL things beautiful in His time." Ecclesiastes 3:11

#adoptingbabyW