What the valley taught me

I know I haven't written in a while. I guess you could say that the stress finally caught up to me. Landed me in the hospital with symptoms of a heart attack and needless to say....how very true it is our flesh will fail us. This last month was my "its the darkest before the dawn" kind of month. I broke MANY times and felt a type of anger towards God I never knew I had in me. Not something I am proud of but thankful He knew I was gonna have a "hissy fit" before I even did and had a plan to get me through it (that's just the kind of Father He is:) rejoicing!)

This last month suffering seemed to surround me. From friends loosing their baby to another,s son being diagnosed with leukemia and another s mother being diagnosed with breast cancer....my heart was HEAVY. I saw suffering everywhere I looked and it scared me. It made it very hard some days to see Gods grace, mercy and love. I wanted to run away and just watch disney movies. Ya know? Climb into my fort with my crayons and quit this whole "adulthood" thing ;) but for some reason God just wouldn't let me. He made me face my fears of being out of control and seeing the dark places that this life can take us into and how He is the only One who can see us through.

So what did I learn? First and foremost the valley SUCKS! That's right, I said it, it SUCKS. The military concept of "embrace the suck! Adapt and overcome." was not readily in my vocabulary. It was more like "holy crap, run and hide until its over." or through "hissy fits" ;)Secondly, I learned about mercy. I have been struggling a while to understand the concept of God's mercy and how it is only good for today. I have this human drive that tells me I have to look at today, yesterday and tomorrow all in one. That focusing merely on "today" sometimes seems absurd. So I decided to break that word down. Mercy! What does mercy mean? Mercy's definition is "compassion or forgiveness shown towards someone who it is within ones power to punish or harm." God has this power. That's scary to think about some day's. The wrath of God :( As a baby Christian I had this idea in my head that if I was in Christ and He in me I was safe from suffering. As if this invisible cloak would cover me and a very care free life I would enjoy. But as I was graciously taught these last two months; that couldn't be further from the truth. Suffering is a part of this life. Unavoidable but God has a way through. For me, it was an amazing Pastor and special new "big sister" at our church that gave me something to do to keep me busy and a new church family that spoke life back into my broken heart. Now don't get me wrong. It wasn't like some magical feeling and everything was fine, I battled anxiety everyday. From hot flashes, to chest pain, dizziness and fear to tingling/prickling all over my body. Each day came with its own problems and my focus was heavily on them but this is where I learned about discouragement. A very present tool the adversary uses against us. Some days I was so encompassed with this discouragement. So deep that the anger I felt was enough to make me want to claim defeat and walk away from God. Talk about having a shaky faith. :(

As a human being its hard for me to grasp that God would allow pain and suffering and its a lot harder when your focused on your problems. But if you take a look at Jesus and His life. The perfect being who suffered up to His very last breath. Not knowing why, even asking God "why have you forsaken me?" while He was on the cross and knowing how His story would end. He suffered to save me and to save you.....to save the world, my suffering doesn't seem so bad. It actually kind of makes me feel closer to Him. Knowing I have someone who "gets it". God showed me how much I really don't trust Him. How much faith I put into myself vs Him. I desire a faith like Jesus but I cant grow in that direction if my eyes aren't on God. I cant grow if I am leaning on my own understanding. I surely cant grow if I am trying to tackle 3 days at once! The past, present and future. I learned that I hold on to the past because it cant surprise me, Ive already overcome it. I fear the future because I have seen suffering that I never imagined and it makes me feel frozen in the present some days. This is all called doubt. A stronghold I have battled for a while. Simply put I was fighting battles never intended for me to fight. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of God and His mercy. Mercy that tells me tomorrow will come with its own troubles so don't worry, the past is done full of lessons learned, suffering that eventually stopped and a present day that is a GIFT! Another chance to try and get it right. Mercy! Gods compassion and forgiveness for TODAY! For the mistakes my sinful heart will make for the strength I will need for today, for the peace; comfort and ever present help that I will need for today. Only God knows what I need for today. After all He is the only One that sees my life from beginning to end.

The most important lesson I learned was that my relationship with God shouldn't be based on answered prayers. He isn't an insurance policy that guarantees I will not suffer or see pain in this life. He is the One that guarantees He hears me and He will ALWAYS be with me. There is no trial or suffering that I endure that will ever be more than I can handle, or haven't passed through His divine hands first. All for a purpose, I just cant see yet...much like Jesus when He was on the cross and little did He know His suffering saved the world.

So, I encourage you to let your faith carry you and His mercy engulf you because it is only good for today's journey and you're going to be okay! :)